To discipline or not to discipline

TABOO TOPIC TIME….

My wife texted me today about our daughter. She is not doing her work in class. My wife says she just does not know how to get through to her.

It got me thinking…what would get through to our daughter?

I remember growing up with a healthy fear or respect for my parents or elders. I did not talk back. I did not even look at grownups funny. And if I did I got a good sharp and quick talking to most times but sometimes…I got a spanking. Not for cutting my eye or side eye or the boxed up mouth as my mom called it. But for things like disobeying her or bad grades or not doing my chores or acting up in the grocery store. I often think back and remember these times and I am thankful for it all.

Nowadays people say, “Just talk to your child”. I think back and wondered why my mom just did not simply talk to me and now being an adult I know why. The answer for me is simple….I would not have listened or would have understood because I was not mentally developed and it would have gone into one ear and out the other. My attention span saw that of a monkey. My brain did not have the experience and knowledge that my parents had. Because at the end of the day…I was a kid and I just did not want to do that particular thing because it is of course uncomfortable. Or it was just me expressing my ego. I needed my ego tamed, controlled. I was a black kid in the south (South Carolina) in the 70s and 80s and I did see what happens to other black kids that could not be disciplined for whatever reason. I could not and would not have understood an explanation at the time and for an adult to explain it to me would have been a waste of time. Not in elementary and middle school…nope. I was too hormonal and led by my senses and was full of ego. Even now as adults we still are! But what we have now is wisdom to not let our emotions run amok. You cannot explain things to a child that is under the influences of their hormones, ego, and emotions. You have to get their attention some other way…a way that is through the senses. Enter spankings or some other sort of physical discipline.

Even adults only understand things through the hardships of life. This is life spanking us in a way. Cause and effect. We know we should have done something and when that task has not been done something negative happens. When I was a child and I did not do something that would help build me or something that out right was seen as disobedience I got spanked. Now I am not saying that I needed to be spanked for everything and yes at times some of my spankings were over the top but the end result is that I didn’t do it again. A healthy fear set me on the right path and that healthy fear turned into respect….at least for me. That is why I say I appreciate the type of upbringing I received. I also learned from my older brother…meaning he got spankings and I learned what not to do. I can count on both hands the number of spankings I got growing up. Some are more vivid than others. Some were alongside my brothers. I even remember getting one from the neighbors and then getting one from my mom when she got home. Just once.

Then there is the reward system too. When it comes down to it it’s all programming. But the reward system has its drawbacks just like the spankings for the punishment system. The reward system will just teach them that just as long as the rewards of choice are in good supply they will continue to do well. When does the “Doing the task because it is the right thing to do” attitude set in? We carry this whole mentality into our adult lives. We think that the reward or the end goal is the thing to achieve. In reality the journey and what we learned along the way is the truth prize. Praise and punishment need to be balanced and at some point the task has to be its own reward. The love of doing the work. Finding joy in it. But until then reward and punishment I feel have to be in place in order to guide our inexperienced younglings.

One area I feel that some adults go wrong is in the area of trying to protect their kids from the type of upbringing that they received. Now I understand that many of us have endured some horrible childhoods. This is absolutely NOTwhat I am talking about and also I cannot say or judge others and the way they were brought up. SOme humans have had upbringings that I am sure scared them for life. Everything is a matter of perspective here. This is merely my POV. Some people had it really hard. I have to admit my spanking was not enjoyable at the time and I even hated my parents afterwards. (more uncontrolled emotion). And yes…we do not see our parents’ wisdom and I dare say their love because of short sightedness and youthful inexperience. How could they say they love me and spank me??? I realize that my parents during these times were doing something to protect me. They were loving me. Sometimes love hurts, sometimes love has to take different forms to protect the child. I did not understand this until I had children. And even then I did not get it for a while. We need to protect the little babies…and we do. But then the baby grows some and learns to talk. And then they learn the word NO. And then they tell us NOOOOO. It is indeed hard being a parent. You have to battle your own emotions and try to control your kids emotions also, to guide them. After a while I learned that I cannot be my child’s friend. I have to teach them and it will not feel good to them at times or even to me…but it is necessary because that is the way of things. Perhaps later in life…I can be a friend. But for now I must raise them and teach them and keep them from hurting themselves physically, emotionally and mentally. They must be guided and nurtured at the same time. They must be built up and disciplined. There has to be a healthy balance.

All this being said…I do not spank….now. For various reasons. But I understand the reasoning behind it. I imagine it started as something good and had a solid purpose. It is in the bible however. Spare the rod, spoil the child. Over time they take more and increasingly harsher forms until abuse happens. Is there a healthy way to discipline children? I do not know. Do we just let them run amok? Do we just let them not do their work in school and we shrug our shoulders? Do we talk to them and bore them to death with our nagging? My parents sure did not. They did not talk. They applied pressure and I did my work…and I am thankful that they loved me enough to spank me and had the wisdom and caution to not abuse that power to destroy me in the process.